Deeper

I am learning new things. I am thinking too much. I am trying to catch up for the years I didn't think enough. So many things I just accepted. I thought I was full of discernment. Yet all I knew was how to surround myself with people like me. Then there is nothing really to discern.
Oh but how subtle the sway is. It comes over you slowly until you are covered in the very existense of it and it is you and you are it.
Church has always been so very important to me and I have always respected my leadership so much that I have never taken advantage of my right to question them. To question things that did not add up. Todd is just the opposite. He questions everything. I used to get so aggravated that he could not close his eyes and just walk blindly into something without examining and understanding it first. Oh to have taken the time to question and to understand and to learn beyond my own small experiences. What it might have saved me.
Now at thirty with over twenty years of knowing the Lord. I am realizing that so much of what I have seen was not TRUTH. My love for the Scriptures is stronger and deeper than ever. And to think that my desire to be "normal" by the standards of my peers, even Christian peers, has taken me to this place of such inner turmoil. To realize that man has made a business and a career out of the things God calls Holy.
Ministry. Ministry lets you see a side of people that not everyone sees. You know the whole story when the rest of the world knows only the half. You begin to see the clear politics of it. The compromises and campaigning for agendas. You begin by trying to fight it. To conquer, To make a difference. Then one day you wake up and you realize that you are just the same. You are compromising, you are campaigning and you have your own agenda. What is most upsetting is that you are making a difference. But what kind?
The results of mans agendas lead to emotionalism and hype and production and conducting. Until you realize that you really are just leading your own personal army. I don't want to lead any armies. I don't want to have an agenda. I don't want to search after some "fresh word", or "new revelation".
Instead of searching for more. I want to be stripped away. Stripped away of all that I have seen and of all I have heard. I want to lose the knowledge that I think I have until I am totally ignorant of anything but Him.
Then and only then will I be ready.