We Wish You A Merry Christmas

While the rest of the preschool class was sweetly singing their Christmas Carols. This is what my son was doing.......

Final Exam

Well the greatest test for the Smith's this year came right towards the end of 2009. Just when I thought we had passed all our tests! I guess this is like a Final Exam. 

Todd was told last week that his job is being relocated to Coppell, TX which is a suburb of Dallas. So with much prayer and consideration it looks like all signs are pointing that we will relocate in 2010. Of course the house has to be sold first and who knows how long that will take in this economy?

But in all things we give thanks, because he has a job, and this year so many people are going without. My organizational planner self would like to jump off a cliff in the face of all these unknowns and uncertainties but, I am pretty proud of how I am handling it all in all. Learning to rest in His faithful arms is a life lesson, but I think I am getting the hang of it.

At first I kept dwelling on all the things that I would miss. My family, my church family, my work family, I even was upset that I wouldn't be able to use the same auto mechanic anymore. HA!  But then the Holy Spirit whispered sweetly "Count Your Blessings"

I began to focus on all of the good things. And if I couldn't think of one; well then I would stop and re-evaluate until I came up with something. I am sure it sounds silly, but it really has helped to see that He always goes before us and that our steps are ordered by Him.

So I am not sure yet, but I think I may just Ace this Final!

Hosea 6:1-3

 ¹ "Come, let us return to the LORD. 
       He has torn us to pieces 
       but He will heal us; 
       He has injured us 
       but He will bind up our wounds.

 ² After two days He will revive us; 
       on the third day He will restore us, 
       that we may live in His presence.

 ³ Let us acknowledge the LORD; 
       let us press on to acknowledge Him. 
       As surely as the sun rises, 
       He will appear; 
       He will come to us like the winter rains, 
       like the spring rains that water the earth."

13 YEARS

Yesterday was the 13th Anniversary of my wedding. I thought I would post what I wrote to Mr. Smith.

13 Reasons Why I Still Love You:

1) Because I will never forget the first dance or the first kiss!

2) Because you were my friend before you were my boyfriend.

3) Because you are an incredible daddy and my kids love you to pieces.

4) Because you still think I am beautiful even though I can’t fit in my wedding dress anymore.

5) Because when I am really sad, you put your arms around me and say “Awe, poor baby”

6) Because we have secret jokes no one else will ever understand.

7) Because you forgave me for hiding from you that night and making you think the rapture had come. I still feel bad about that, but it was so funny!

8) Because when you talk about a story in the Bible, you always teach me something I didn’t know or show me something in a different light.

9) Because you have forgiven me a thousand times at least.

10) Because sometimes when you are laughing, or playing with the kids, or sometimes even when you are sleeping, you still look like a little boy.

11) Because you “get me”.

12) Because you’re the first person I want to talk to when I am happy, excited, mad, hurt or sad.

13) Because I promised to and I meant it.

HAPPY 13th ANNIVERSARY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A Post I Never Wanted To Write

So I am gathering all my courage to write this post. There is so much I need to say, but somehow writing what has happened in the last 2 weeks, makes it all seem more real and right now everything is still raw.

Thursday, September 17th I returned from lunch thinking that it was just another work day. My mom had told me that morning that my dad wasn't feeling well. He was working outside of Chicago and had called to say he woke up with a ringing in his ears. 

The next thing I know I was getting a call from my mom that my dad was in an Emergency Room and had suffered a stroke. The next hour was a blur as I had to pack, make plane reservations and make arrangements for my kids and be on the road to Dallas to catch our flight all before they even made it home from school.

The next call from the neurologist in Indiana (he was in a hospital 30 minutes southeast of Chicago), was that my dad's stroke was very severe and that the situation looked very grim. The nurse held the phone up to him so I could talk to him, by then his speech was so slurred that he couldn't really respond.

My amazing super hero husband drove my mom and myself to Dallas to catch a flight to Chicago. We arrived around 11:00 pm and still had to rent a car and drive the 45 minute drive to Merrillville, Indiana. We finally got to my dad's bedisde at around 1 am.

For the next 4 days we barely left the hospital room except to eat and sometimes sleep. Most of the time we just slept at the hospital and we took turns getting a good night's sleep at the hotel. The following Monday, I had to go home because let's face it. I have a 3 yr old and a 5 yr old and while my hubby was being a wonderful daddy, I knew it was time to come home. I left not knowing when I would see my mom or dad again. I was just as worried at the point about my mom being left up there as I was about my dad. Luckily my brother works 2 weeks on and 2 weeks off and he was able to stay with my mom throughout the rest of that week.

Once I got home I immediately started working on getting my dad transferred back to Texas. I wanted to know at what point he had to recover before they would do a medical transfer. It was no easy job finding a company who would do a non emergency GROUND transport for over 930 miles. Thank You God for Ameritrans. They were wonderful and took such good care of my daddy.

To make a long story short, on my birthday (yesterday) I drove to Tyler and anxiously waited to meet the transport team and my dad. What an incredible birthday gift! He still has a long road ahead of him with therapy and rehab, but praise God he is in Texas!!!

I am still wrapping my brain around the fact that this has all happened in less than 2 weeks. It is difficult to compute. And don't even get me started on the emotional rollercoaster. 

So for the few of you faithful readers left at my blogspot. Please take a moment to remember my dad. And ask that the Lord would speak to his heart during this time. If I have learned nothing else from this situation it is that our days are not promised and are time here is so short.

So if your daddy is still with you. Take a moment tonight, pick up the phone and tell him that you love him.

This is daddy learning how to walk again.

I know I know!

I know what your thinking. You've about given up on me. I am so sorry that I took such a hiatus, but things have been so crazy and every time I even started to blog I just didn't even know where to start. 

Madelynn started kindergarten at the end of August and Zachary started preschool the first part of September, so that was a big deal in our house just trying to adjust to a new schedule. I think we are all starting to get the hang of it. 

Todd and I are both under a little bit of pressure as there are a lot of things going on behind the scenes and we are trusting God that HE alone is in control of the situation. Please remember us in your prayers and hopefully I will be able to say more in the coming weeks. 

I was asked back in June to speak at a day retreat for the women of our church and boy have I been excited, anxious, nervous, ect.... That has taken a lot of my free time as I have been praying and preparing for this past weekend. We had around 30 women in attendance and I really believe more than anything else  that I was able to speak from my heart. 

I have already heard some incredible testimonies from what God did in the hearts of so many of the women. What an AWESOME GOD we serve. I came home from the retreat Saturday night feeling exhausted but content that I had given it my ALL!

So now that I feel you are adequately updated, I hope to begin to write again and not be such a stranger.

Heavens to Betsy!!!

Nesting

I love normalcy. 

I am a friend of consistency.

I like things you can count on. 

That's why I have such a problem with change.

Now I didn't happen to be this way always. Something about motherhood made me into a lifetime nester. I like to settle down and get comfy.

But I am learning that God doesn't see nesting as such a good thing. When we become safe and comfy in our own little world, we start to lose our dependency upon Him. Right?

When my feathers get ruffled and my nest starts to unravel I run right to the Father. (Which is a very good thing.) That's exactly what He wants me to do. 

So while the world has seemed a bit topsy turvy as of late, and I fear the ride has just begun, I've been hiding out under the Shadow of the Almighty. 

And it's a pretty sweet place to be!

THANK YOU!!!!!!!

THANK YOU!

This week has been just crazy. I work till 5 at the office  and then I leave to go to my other job, my crew leading job at VBS. Crew leading 10 preschoolers for 2 hours sounded like so much fun when I signed up! So why do I now have a stomach ulcer, a head cold and possibly a few thousand torn ligaments?

No seriously, while it has been exhausting I have loved watching their little faces and how much they soak up. I mean really they are like little sponges, learning and retaining all that we can dish out.

So many times I have thanked God for keeping His hand on my life and keeping me in church when my life could have turned out so differently. And I think back to all the VBS, Awanas, Missionettes, Youth Groups, Fellowship Groups and Summer Camps and know that every seed planted during those childhood and early teenage years was harvested as I became a woman of God. So to all the VBS workers, Summer Camp Dorm Leaders, Fellowship Group Co-Leaders, ect....

Thank You for Giving to the Lord. I am a life that was changed!

This week on Blog Hop, it favorite photo week. This was a picture a friend took of my kiddo's first tailgating experience. It will always be treasured by this LSU momma!

Dreams Really Do Come True!

This weekend was packed with fun and festivities.  I had a great time visiting with friends and family and celebrating our nation's birthday so to speak.  This is Madelynn & Zachary at LSU going to see Mike the Tiger.

This is Mike VI. He was pretty hot and kept pacing trying to find a cooler place to chill and this is the best shot I could get of him. The kids think that no visit to Baton Rouge is complete without a visit to see Mike.

The Friday before the 4th was filled with seeing as many old friends as possible. Todd and I had lunch with Antoinette at Roman's Deli and I finally got to have some Chicken Shawarma. If you had told me 10 years ago that I would one day have cravings for Lebanese food I would never have believed you! We had dinner plans with the Duplechains and so the only time left was in between to see everyone else, so around 4 pm, we met a crew at the Cold Stone Creamery so we could goo goo and gah gah over these little guys!

My friend Tiffinie had Anna Kate and Brody, on December 31st and what a blessing they were to a family who also had prayed so long for a child of their own. I have shared before our struggle and prayer to have a family and it was a double blessing for me to see my two feeding her two! God is just too good to put into words sometimes. When we place our dreams in His powerful hands, our dreams really do come true!

We left out early Sunday morning to come home. It is always bittersweet when I  realize that as much as I love my old stomping ground, I am always so ready to come home. The kids were happy to be in their own beds last night and so was I! 

Today it is back to the daily grind yet somehow I have a renewed sense of gratitude for all that God has richly blessed me with. 

It feels like coming home.

I have lived in Texas over 7 years now. My kids were both born here and our life is here. I love my life; So all in all, Texas is home. 

Except for whenever I go home. Home to Baton Rouge. No matter how much it changes, and how much my life is so different, when I drive across the Mississippi from Port Allen into Baton Rouge. It just feels like coming home. 

I love having a connection with something that isn't tangible or even easily explainable. I don't have a house to go back to, or even any family remaining there. Yet somehow it is part of me and it always will be.

I am going home tomorrow night for the 4th. I am so excited. Friends, Family and Great Food. I will get some pictures posted when I get home.... from being home. :o)

I would like to introduce you to...

Okay blogworld.

I need to introduce you to a friend. Or should I say a friend's mom.

This is Susan Longmire's blog.

You have to go over to her blog and if you are ever anywhere near Baton Rouge, LA you have to visit her store in downtown Denham. It is so super sweet and has something for everyone.

If you like, shopping, antiquing, scrapbooking or all of the above you just have to see. The whole family is just so stinkin creative. It's disgusting really!

I am going to be visiting Baton Rouge next week and I am trying to figure out how and when to make a trip to Denham (without the kids in tow). Where there is a will there is a way!

When I was growing up I had the pleasure of being friends with not one but both of Mrs. Susan's daughters. I just can't even put into words of how great this family is. So many memories so much laughter and my oh my, SO MANY PUFF PAINT SHIRTS!!

I hope you all have a chance to visit Mothers and Daughters. But be prepared; cause once you visit, you will want to stay!

I've got the photos to prove it!

See below evidence that my husband has now been living in Texas too long.





Todd started wearing these to work instead of dress shoes. Really I mean next I will be wearing broomstick skirts.

Heavens to Betsy!

I would die for that

You may not know this since my blog started after I had my two babies. Todd and I struggled with infertility issues for years. We were married in 1996 and Madelynn was not born until 2004. I have such a heart for women who struggle with this pain. I will never forget the first time I heard a doctor tell me that I may never conceive a child on my own. But thank God, He is bigger than any diagnosis.

I found this video on one of the blogs I read and thought how amazing it was! I can remember how excruciating Mother's Day services at church used to be for me. To all my sister's out there praying to have a child. Please email me and let me know and I will be believing with you!

 

Life in General

I am realizing that it has been a while since I just posted about life in general.

That's due largely in part to the fact that I am so busy doing life in general, that I don't usually stop to blog about.


But I'm working on it.


So here goes.


This little gem of a girl has just graduated preschool.


She is five and starts kindergarten this fall. She has to go today for her immunizations and she is not too happy about it. (I think she has to get four shots.)


Needless to say, I am not looking forward to it either.

She had her dance recital over Memorial Day weekend. She is quite the little diva. She gets it honest.




Next we have this little guy.


This is while we were at Dinosaur World in Glenrose. He had a fabulous time! He just made 3 1/2 and I have to admit that my sweet little guy that was such an easy baby and tenderhearted toddler, is NO MORE.


About a month ago I woke up and realized that someone or something had possessed my innocent little lamb. I am hoping it's just a phase. Re-Establishing boundaries and testing limits. You know all that fun stuffs. If I survive, I'll let you know how it all turns out.


Mr. Smith is hard at work right now. As many of you know, when the summer hits, the water industry is in full swing. So I think we have a date together sometime in mid September. (HEEHEE)


Life is full right now, but oh so sweet!

FEAR

I have been thinking a lot about fear lately. Not like a huge fear that makes you afraid to leave your house or paranoid to talk to strangers.  I've been thinking about all the thousands of little fears that rule in your life everyday. Those second thoughts you give to everyday situations instead of going with your gut. 

Lately, I have noticed how much I am lead by fear. Not that fear is always a bad thing, but when you realize it is creeping it's way into every aspect of your life, it's a VERY bad thing!

Those who know me well, know that I am addicted to blogs. I can't write nearly as much as I would like to on here, because I spend entirely too much time reading other peoples blogs. Most people don't understand the attraction to blogs. I don't care about blogs that are just a mimic of someone else's. I love the blogs that are in a very real and raw way a window to that person's soul. One minute they are writing about what they cooked for dinner and the next they are unveiling a secret hurt or future goal. It is very enlightening to me.

A few weeks ago I was reading one of my favorite blogs and I felt compelled to leave a comment. Now this is a big deal for me because I would not be an anonymous reader any longer I would be participating on this blog that I read daily. And then she would know who I was, and she would see my blog and how pathetic it is in comparison. All of a sudden I was sick over a comment that was meant to encourage one of my favorite authors.  Talk about sad.

When did I get to this place that I am fearful of even absolute strangers? The other night I started wondering what someone would think if they saw my facebook page. Would they think I was funny, boring, a simpleton, a redneck, a wannabe. I started editing my facebook page and deleting anything that showed me in a poor light. RIDICULOUS!

That's fear. Fear of others, fear of man, fear of man's opinions. What's worse is that my relationship with my Creator in many ways is based on fear. I mean I love my Father God completely, but a lot of what I do in my daily walk is out of obligation and fear.

I am one who likes boundaries; they make me feel safe. Grace makes me nervous. I don't get it. I don't deserve it. It doesn't make sense to me. 

Black and White makes me feel safe. A list of rules makes me feel fine. Do this list, don't do this list and you will be okay. That works good for me. I can measure myself against it. Freedom, liberty these things aren't tangible; I can't measure them. They make me feel inadequate. 

I would love to wrap up this post with the part of the story where I have a moment of Great Enlightment and I figure it all out.

I'm not there yet.

Sorry guys.

For now you will have to accept my useless wonderings.

Day Dreams

Do you day dream? Do you  have dreams about your future that you have carried with you for decades?

 I do.

 I have always dreamed of when I am older. I mean like GRANDMA older.

I have a white house with green shutters that is set back off the road. I have a blonde cocker spaniel named Shug that follows me everywhere. I have a huge cookie jar full of homeade cookies that beckons my grandkids when they come to visit.

And then, I have the woods. Not the scary kind of woods that you can't see into. Just the serene woods that all children like to wander through. And when I am old, and my children are grown, I will walk in those woods. I will make up stories to tell my grandchildren about the history of the woods and I will fuss at Shug for getting wet and muddy chasing after a little green frog.

After awhile we will return to the house with the green shutters and sit on the porch. I will drink sweet tea and sing old hymns. I will rock my grandbabies to sleep on the porch while I sing.....

"Oh Yes, Oh Yes

I'm a Child of the King

His Royal Blood 

Now Flows in my Veins

And I who was Wretched

And Poor, now can Sing!

Praise God!

Praise God!

I'm a Child of the King.

GREAT GIVEAWAY

For the four of you that still read my blog I wanted to give you the down low on a great giveaway going on at "We are that Family". If you haven't checked out this blog before, you don't know what you are missing. Follow the hyperlink below to see all the details of the awesome DaySpring giveaway.

http://www.wearethatfamily.com/2009/05/lovely-huge-dayspring-giveaway.html

An Easter Sunday Lesson

Okay so I know it is almost a week since Easter but I thought I would share with you my Easter Sunday Lesson that I learned this year.

For the past 4 weeks my family has been visiting a new church here in town. And while we have enjoyed the services and the people are precious, let's face it, starting over isn't easy. It's sometimes downright painful. Nevertheless we have persevered and every week gets easier.

Easter was going to be the Big One! Not only were we attending Sunday School (where you really let people get to KNOW you), but we were staying after the service for the children's Easter Egg Hunt and dinner on the grounds.

The wannabe Mother of the Year comes out in me on moments like this. It's as if I feel like there are imaginary judges somewhere, grading me. So of course everything had to be just right. Easter outfits for the whole family (even though they wouldn't have known if they were knew our not), perfect Sunday dishes to present for the dinner on the grounds and all with the grace and assurance of a young Martha Stewart.

I was baking a dessert the Saturday before because it has to be served chilled. So that put me ahead of the game for Sunday morning. I was also bringing chicken and dressing since it is one of my hubby's favs. I made the cornbread the night before and planned to boil the chicken early Sunday morning and pop it in the oven.

Everything started off fine. I started the chicken boiling before I got into the shower. When I got out, I went to preheat the oven and shredded the chicken. After shredding the chicken and placing everything in the casserole dish I went to put it in the oven when low and behold the oven wasn't on. How did I forget to preheat the oven? I must be losing it. No worries, I still had plenty of time. I turn the dial to the oven again and went to put the casserole dish in when much to my dismay the oven went off AGAIN! I hadn't forgot to preheat it, IT WAS BROKEN!!!!

I panicked "This can not be happening." It worked just fine last night. Any other time I could call my neighbor down the street. But this is Easter Sunday and we both discussed what all we were cooking for our Sunday dinner. I can't go to a new church and have just a dessert or a pathetic rendition of chicken and dressing. My husband saw my distress and tried to assist, but since his idea of helping was to microwave it, I thought I better just figure this one out on my own.

I kept turning it on and it kept cutting right back off. I tried to get the kids dressed while I thought up a miracle. My attitude was getting worse by the second. My poor children beautifully adorned in their new Easter outfits and hyped up on chocolate Easter everything were watching their mother turn into a psycho. It was then and there that I made a decision.

I marched into my room, closed the door and sat at my vanity. It was time to give myself a stern lecture. "Look here little girl, this is absolutely ridiculous. Today is not about perfect first impressions, or scrumptious covered dishes, or new Easter clothes or any such foolishness. Today your Savior is alive and seated at the right hand of the Father interceding for your pitiful self. That is what today is about!" Needless, to say I put my Big Girl pants on and got over it.

I brought my uncooked dressing to the church and baked it in the church's oven during Sunday School. It was just fine. I think Someone was wanting to teach me a lesson. We got home that afternoon ready to crash after a Super Easter Sunday.

..................Oh! And guess whose oven worked perfectly when she got home?

The Bible Says.....

Yesterday my daughter informed me of her latest Biblical knowledge.  

"Mommy, the Bible says you should not eat off of any one else's plate."

"It does; Where does it say that?"

"In Chapter 89"

"In Chapter 89?"

"Yeah in Chapter 89, on  the left page."

So there you have it Bible Scholars!

CONFESSION

I have a CONFESSION............

I LOVE the dollar store. It doesn't matter if it is Dollar General, Family Dollar, or Everything's a Dollar. There is something about coming out of a store with arms full of bags and not having to feel guilty about it.

It is one of my favorite pleasures in life. And really you just never know what you might find there. It is like going on a treasure hunt. I have to say I take pride in the fact that I am not too good for the Dollar Store. It has been a friend to me. Does this make me sound pathetic?

Tough Choices

Ever feel like life is a series of tough choices? Lately, I have had to make some tough choices. I have been contemplating the dreams, goals and aspirations in my life. There is a process to dreaming really. There is the birth of the dream. New birth can be difficult but extremely exciting and filled with anticipation. Then there is the life of the dream. It can be tiring at times but it is mostly filled with great joy. It is the reward of your work and perseverance. Unfortunately like all things that are born there is a death to any dream. A necessary end. Usually the mourning and loss hurt deeply. 

I have been weighing all the dreams that are spinning out of control in my head and asking myself if I have it in me to take on all these things? You see, even the greatest accomplishments come with a hefty price tag. Many times we sacrifice one thing to gain another. When you are a mother you have to be careful that your wanting and wishing doesn't come at the expense of your family.

My greatest endeavor is to "walk out my faith" in front of my children. My everyday lifestyle becomes their definition of Christianity. It is a responsibility like none other. If in my pursuit for Godly things, I neglect my precious family, have I not failed in the greatest calling in my life?

It is not easy to step back from our wants and our wishes and lay aside what is rewarding for what is necessary. In some ways it is our greatest service to Him. It is a tough choice to daily take up your cross and follow Him. Especially when the way is foreign, lonely and sometimes dark. 

A Veil of Sadness

Last week was amazing. Exhausting, but still amazing. I was in Orlando at Disney for a whole week, my mom and I with the two kiddos in tow. Todd flew in mid week and got a couple of days in at the park. 

I was concerned that getting back into the swing of things would be difficult, especially since I was so tired. Fortunately, I jumped back into the daily grind with not a moment's hesitation. I was so glad just to be back to normalcy, and truly I love my life.

That is why I was so taken back this morning. I started out with my normal morning regimen until I got to the shower part. It was as if when I turned on the water instead I was covered in a veil of sadness. Whispers from the past were all around me and out of nowhere; I was sobbing. I fought the urge to weep all morning. 

I can't quite say that the day has gotten any better as far as the emotional rollercoaster goes, but I have managed to put on my big girl panties and just work through it. 

Where does this come from? I mean how did it happen? I went to bed fine and woke up a basket case. This can not be normal. I mean is this some spiritual sign that I should be tapping into. Am I supposed to be interceding for something/someone. I just don't know.

I only know that a veil of sadness seems all around me today. Turn on the news, sadness. Co workers losing loved ones nearly every week for the last 2 months. Cancer on every corner. Loss, suffering, pain, hunger and death. The world seems bathed in affliction. And all of a sudden it seems so magnified today. Even worse my heart is breaking. 

My hope is in Him.

Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth!

Okay so  it finally happened. My angelic 4 year old little girl said her first really BAD word. It is the c word, which to some is not even considered a bad word anymore, to me as a mother it is not acceptable from my 4 year old daughter's mouth. What upset me most is that when she said it, she said it with a purpose to shock and to defy me, because I had just told her that she was having a bad attitude and if she couldn't say anything nice, not to say anything at all.

I am not even going to delve into how I responded and the tirade that went on for the next 15 minutes. Leave it to say that it was not one of my finer moments. 

As with any time that my children disappoint I tend to turn introspective and start asking myself, what am I doing to cultivate peace in my home, to cultivate a good attitude and a gentle spirit? How has my attitude been as of late? I didn't really like my answers. The hardest part about parenting is knowing that these little people are at times the best and the worst reflection of ourselves. And while I am not condoning or excusing her potty mouth this morning, when I pick her up from playschool, I will hug her tightly and pray that God will give me a greater understanding of how to guide this little angel straight from my arms to His!

Red Letter Campaign

If you haven't heard of the Red Letter Campaign, here is your chance. It's so easy, just follow the steps below.

1.) Find some red envelopes (if you don't have some, make some out of red construction paper)

2.) Don't write anything on the inside.

3.) Mail to:

President Barack Obama
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave NW
Washington, DC 20500

4.) On the back write: this envelope represents one child who died in abortion. It is empty because that life was not allowed to offer anything to the world. Life begins with conception

The idea is simple. Bombard the White House with red envelopes to remind President Obama that the majority of Americans do not support his abortion policy.

I think this will be a great project to do with my little ones. I will print the labels and they can stick them on the envelopes.

Mid Week Musings

It's only Wednesday and I feel like I need a weekend already! The kids have both had a rash all week. So between the steroids that keep them up at night and the itching that keeps them up at night, mommy is one tired lady.

This weekend is Valentine's and my mom has graciously offered (okay she didn't offer but she did agree) to keep the kids for Saturday night. Todd and I are off to Dallas to the Renaissance Hotel in Downtown Dallas and we have reservations at the Y O Ranch Steakhouse.

It's only for the night, but boy am I looking forward to getting away. Just to laugh and talk without interruption! The funny thing is, that whenever we go away we usually spend a good deal of the time, talking about the kids! It is always nice to talk and plan and dream together about the future. It's a reminder that before this crazy phase of our lives we were always together and enjoying each other's company.

I have seen so many relationships through the years that seem to get "lost" during parenting. The kids grow up and move away and all of a sudden they don't know each other anymore. I am so grateful that before I fell in love with Todd he had already become one of my best friends. We have never lost that closeness. Beyond the passion and attraction that rises and falls throughout the course of time, we are each other's favorite people. And for that, I am truly blessed!

Confused

Does anyone else out there ever feel helplessly confused? I don't mean this as a rhetorical question. I welcome your comments. But as evidenced by the lack of comments as of late, I am afraid no one is even reading this thing anymore.
I am committed to this blog none the less. It is a journal of sorts for me. I look back and read things I wrote in 2006 and think, WOW. The Smith family has come a long way. It gives me some prespective at times.
As to the confusion, I wish there was a way to put it into words. I would love to do some soul searching and be able to spell it all out, but unfortunately, the more I think about it the more it enlarges.
This thing, this doubt or worry or fear or whatever it is just keeps getting bigger. It's like little bunnies in my mind breeding. Everytime I think or try not to think about it, it seems to multipy.
I think I am now not even sure how it started or what I was confused about in the beginning. It's as if doubt breeds more doubt until nothing seems real, nothing seems sure, nothing seems solid.
I am sure by now that none of this is making much sense, which is all the more upsetting. I can't even break it down into something someone can understand. Is it religion, relationships, or both. Is it grace, or faith? Is it relative or absolute? I have no idea. None of it makes any sense to me. None of the words carry any weight with me anymore. I mean really; what does it all mean?

Zachasouras

Last April I posted a letter to my daughter, and thought it was time to do the same for my son. If not for anything else but to document for later years, what they are doing and what they are into at this time in their lives. I am learning all to quickly how fast they change right before your eyes. So my little man, this is for you!

Dear Zachary,

You are three years old. My mind can barely compute how you have changed from my baby into a energetic, curious little boy. I look at you while you sleep and think back to a time a little over three years ago, as I sat in a NICU ward beside your little bin, and I begged God not to take you from me. At that moment I had only the faith to believe that God was good and He could touch your little lungs and make you well. I never imagined the joy you would become and the laughter that would fill our home because of you.

You are a night owl. You like to stay up late and sleep in late. You are usually the last one to finally drift to sleep and you hate being woke up in the morning. But once you are awake, there is nothing stopping you. You are 100% all day. You are very seldom every cranky or whiny. You are just always so much fun. You love trains and trucks but your most recent obsession is dinosaurs. You talk about them all day long. Sometimes I catch you playing in your room alone with a lap full of plastic dinosaurs and you are in another world. It is so much fun to watch your creative mind at play.

I made up a song especially for you called "Are you a dinosaur?" We sing it together now and sometimes I think we sing it 100 times a night.

You love to go to church and you love to sing at church too! I think sometimes you might even love to sing more than Madelynn. I must confess I dream of the day that we might all be singing in church together. Whether that becomes a reality or not, my greatest wish is that we will always be in church together. Loving Jesus and loving each other. That your love for Him will grow bigger and bigger, right before my eyes, Just as your little self keeps growing too.

I am trying to embrace every day I have with you and your sister. Knowing that all too soon, you will be grown and this very special time will just be a memory. So while I have you here so close to me, I will love you with all I have, and thank my Heavenly Father for the gift He gave me in you!

I love you my little Zachasouras!