Confused

Does anyone else out there ever feel helplessly confused? I don't mean this as a rhetorical question. I welcome your comments. But as evidenced by the lack of comments as of late, I am afraid no one is even reading this thing anymore.
I am committed to this blog none the less. It is a journal of sorts for me. I look back and read things I wrote in 2006 and think, WOW. The Smith family has come a long way. It gives me some prespective at times.
As to the confusion, I wish there was a way to put it into words. I would love to do some soul searching and be able to spell it all out, but unfortunately, the more I think about it the more it enlarges.
This thing, this doubt or worry or fear or whatever it is just keeps getting bigger. It's like little bunnies in my mind breeding. Everytime I think or try not to think about it, it seems to multipy.
I think I am now not even sure how it started or what I was confused about in the beginning. It's as if doubt breeds more doubt until nothing seems real, nothing seems sure, nothing seems solid.
I am sure by now that none of this is making much sense, which is all the more upsetting. I can't even break it down into something someone can understand. Is it religion, relationships, or both. Is it grace, or faith? Is it relative or absolute? I have no idea. None of it makes any sense to me. None of the words carry any weight with me anymore. I mean really; what does it all mean?

Zachasouras

Last April I posted a letter to my daughter, and thought it was time to do the same for my son. If not for anything else but to document for later years, what they are doing and what they are into at this time in their lives. I am learning all to quickly how fast they change right before your eyes. So my little man, this is for you!

Dear Zachary,

You are three years old. My mind can barely compute how you have changed from my baby into a energetic, curious little boy. I look at you while you sleep and think back to a time a little over three years ago, as I sat in a NICU ward beside your little bin, and I begged God not to take you from me. At that moment I had only the faith to believe that God was good and He could touch your little lungs and make you well. I never imagined the joy you would become and the laughter that would fill our home because of you.

You are a night owl. You like to stay up late and sleep in late. You are usually the last one to finally drift to sleep and you hate being woke up in the morning. But once you are awake, there is nothing stopping you. You are 100% all day. You are very seldom every cranky or whiny. You are just always so much fun. You love trains and trucks but your most recent obsession is dinosaurs. You talk about them all day long. Sometimes I catch you playing in your room alone with a lap full of plastic dinosaurs and you are in another world. It is so much fun to watch your creative mind at play.

I made up a song especially for you called "Are you a dinosaur?" We sing it together now and sometimes I think we sing it 100 times a night.

You love to go to church and you love to sing at church too! I think sometimes you might even love to sing more than Madelynn. I must confess I dream of the day that we might all be singing in church together. Whether that becomes a reality or not, my greatest wish is that we will always be in church together. Loving Jesus and loving each other. That your love for Him will grow bigger and bigger, right before my eyes, Just as your little self keeps growing too.

I am trying to embrace every day I have with you and your sister. Knowing that all too soon, you will be grown and this very special time will just be a memory. So while I have you here so close to me, I will love you with all I have, and thank my Heavenly Father for the gift He gave me in you!

I love you my little Zachasouras!